I was stopped at a red light when I saw it— there, directly in front of me was a white SUV with a license plate that read:
A BOMMOM
Immediately I knew that this mom was indeed bomb and I was like, “damn. I want to be friends with her!”
But stalking someone to their destination, getting out of your vehicle, approaching their car before they have a chance to not notice you, and asking them to coffee isn’t exactly how you land friends these days, so I continued on my way.
Have you ever had a conversation with a woman in the baby aisle at Target and thought, “I bet we could totally be best friends”, but instead of moving the conversation into something that would warrant a number exchange you just stop talking and go your separate ways?
I have this weird aura about me that seems to attract both young children and older adults, so I frequently find myself building blocks with four years olds I just met and having in-depth conversations with the old lady in line at the pharmacy in front of me.
So I really wasn’t surprised when I was at a park full of young parents a few weeks back and a 65 year old grandmother of two started chatting me up. She talked about how she stayed home with her children like me, but that she remembers how lonely it was. Then she gave me her phone number (her house phone— in case you were wondering if people still had those or not), and said, “it isn’t easy and you don’t have to do it alone.”
I was in awe of her.
And then I wondered why it wasn’t that easy for all of us to reach out and say, “hey, let’s be friends. I want to be here for you.”
Of course, I quickly remembered why we don’t. And that’s because it’s awkward as hell trying to make friends.
It’s like dating.
Once you make it past the initial hurdle of meeting— be it at a coffee shop, workout class, or grocery store— you then try and play it cool because you don’t want to come on too strong. It’s like, you have to wait a few days before you text back because you don’t want to come off as needy. Only you don’t text at all because your dumb ass never even bothered to try exchanging numbers.
How do you take that leap? How do you dive in and risk the friendjection? (see what I did there?)
I’ve decided that I’m going to just lay all of my cards out the table.
So here is my friendship dating profile.
About Me:
– I have two kids, which means I have mastered the art of informal communication (aka, don’t expect eye contact from me when we talk because one of the kids is always doing something they aren’t supposed to, which means I must keep eyes on them at all times. Unless of course, you wanted them to break that family heirloom you forgot to put away because your kid isn’t a menance like mine, so you dont have to worry about things like broken memories).
– I drink coffee until it is socially acceptable to drink wine.
– I eat my food while it’s still scolding, because I am both impatient and chronically hangry.
– I’ve created my own form of dancercise that involves doing the toostie roll with jogging arms. The more ridiculous you look, the more calories you burn. My kids love it, but they also love The Wiggles, so the bar isn’t set very high in our house.
– I like to sleep, go pee by myself, and wear real pants.
– I never sleep, go pee by myself, or wear real pants.
My Super Power:
I’ve been cursed with the ability to break up celebrity couples, Everytime I say outloud that I like one, they get divorced (Eg. Blake/Miranda, Jen/Ben, Kermit/Piggy) I’d like to apologize in advance to Chrissy Teigen and John Legend for their impending demise.
What I’m Listening To:
Little Bunny Foo Foo by Some asshole who thought kids would consider being turned into a mythical creature a bad thing. (read: My kid WANTS to turn into a goon)
We may be a match if:
- You like wine
- You drink wine
- You are wine
Do not contact if:
Your kid hates the swings. I won’t stand for that shit.
So there you have it, potential friends. Swipe right, check our match percentage, leave a message after the tone.
When you show up to my house unannounced I promise to have a cold pot of coffee for you and an array of toys on the floor for your toe-stubbing convenience.
Can’t wait to see who’s shirt has more spit up, mac n cheese, and toddler boogers on it!
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